I'm losing touch with reality. It's often very hard to focus on whatever I'm doing. Not only have my dreams become more intense, sometimes I forget I'm dreaming. I'm also starting to day dream a lot. I'll zone out in the middle of work going on auto pilot stacking boxes or bottles and cans, and I just fall into my imagination. Situations that cross my mind like "what if someone tried to rob the store? I'd run in with my broom and knock the gun out of his hand and-" Then I stop to visualize it. I'll be sitting on the couch in my living room staring at the blank wall thinking "what would happen if I got hired here? a customer would be like 'yo' and I'd be like-" and I really think I'm losing my mind. I entertain myself at work with my own stand up comic act which is only funny to me because I'm the one telling the jokes. I LAUGH AT MYSELF FOR NO REASON IN THE BACK ROOM, REGARDLESS IF I AM ALONE OR NOT.

Also, I become more- what's the word I'm looking for? Self-motivated. My brother's girlfriend gave me $3 to get chocolate. I don't have a car, so I biked all the way to winco in the rain. She didn't even want me to go because she was just kidding, I managed to convince her that she wasn't kidding and that she meant it. Then I told her everything that's stressing her and that she deserved chocolate. I told her I would go get it for her if I could buy myself something, even my brother told me not to do it. But god damn it, I wanted a delicious milky way.

I'm not saying I'm doing terrible, and life is starting to crash. But I'm just confused if it's okay to like the way I go about life. I do whatever the fuck I want, and half the time I don't even know what I want. So I just do it without thinking about it, I do whatever I want without thinking about it while the action is in process, and I don't even think about what's going to happen after until I'm done. The dreams themselves aren't even that bad. I enjoy them, they entertain me. I lack company so I envision what it would be like if I had some. Motivation isn't a negative thing to look at, I see it as dedicated and work ethic in what I believe in. So sometimes I just believe in chocolate, it was worth it. I got back from winco sweating out of breath and ready to just fall over. But I didn't, I opened that chocolate bar and enjoyed each bite. So life is good, crazy, irrational, spontaneous, but good.

Journal end. I'm tired, work tomorow. It's 4 am. Let's see where tomorow takes me.